So apparently God is punishing me for something because I got lost getting to physio today and it just had to rain and hail while I tried to navigate my way. The moment I found the place and stepped inside, the sun came out…like what the actual fuck. Honestly, I feel like God has been trying to tell me something but I can’t figure it out yet. Hopefully when I do, the sequence of bad events stops happening. I literally walked in to physio looking like a wet ass dog. Everyone else looked dry because they drove and had umbrellas. I curled my hair last night and now my hair is straight 😦
I hate people who pretends to care.
It doesn’t take a lot to make me happy, but it also doesn’t take a lot to make me upset. If the right person does the smallest gesture, I get all weird and happy; like coming to visit me just to say hi when you have a busy schedule. I really appreciate people who do that. I don’t need expensive gifts or crazy planned trips to feel wanted and happy. I saw a really adorable child today on the bus and interacting with him instantly brought my mood up. That being said, it doesn’t take a lot for me to feel down. As much as I try to be postive, I just hide it. I don’t get mad easily, but being upset is another story. I have trust issues I still deal with, so even just the slightest gut feeling that I will get mistreated upsets me.
Whenever I care about someone, I end up getting hurt so I have this wall built up to protect myself. I have broken it down for people before but they always end up hurting me, so I just build it up higher. The more I get hurt the higher the wall is and I don’t know if anyone will be able to break it down at this point. Recently I have had my eyes on someone and I’m starting to get closer to him. By closer I mean I am starting to care. When I care, I care a lot and people take advantage of that. I am not ready to let my guard down yet and he respects that. I don’t know where this will go but I’d rather take it slow.
Some of my friends have been noticing that I have been pretty low these past few weeks. I can’t figure out why myself, but I understand what they mean. It might have been my broken laptop leaving me laptopless during midterm week, or the fact that work has been stressing me out. So many things have been going wrong lately and it is honestly so frustrating. I’m just hoping God has a reason for all of this happening to me within these two weeks. Studying and writing research assignments without my laptop is so stressful. On top of that, I have to buy another laptop because my current one is unfixable. Work has always been chaotic, but balancing school has been harder lately. I have been closing myself off from my friends because I legit have no time to converse and have fun. God, I really do believe in you but please let something good happen to me just once so I get some sort of hope.