First day back at work and I did absolutely nothing. Stayed behind a desk because of my fucked up knee, but it was chill. Still kinda sucked that I couldn’t teach my own students today though. Currently studying here at Blenz because my lonely ass has nothing else better to do at night.
If anyone were to know me, they’d know my insecurities. I’m not talking about the typical girl insecurities like skin, boobs, ass, and what not. I mean, I have those insecurities as well but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I am bringing up the topic of friends; specifically, losing them. I have this huge problem of keeping and losing friends. I’m sure that I am not the only who has lost a close friend due to arguments or drama, but for some reason I am ultra sensitive when it comes to it. I have been hurt and betrayed so many times in the past, the present me is so affected by it. If I choose to get close with someone, I want to be close with them forever. I want them to know my grandchildren (that’s not weird wtf). Recently, I have been feeling like I care more and more about friendship than anything else. Maybe it is because I am in university and understand that I won’t have a lot of chances to make friends anymore. Therefore, I want to keep whoever I have now close to my heart. To be quite honest right now, I feel like I’m in the process losing some friends and it hurts me real bad. I don’t always like to assume, but I can’t help but think that’s what’s happening right now.
When an agreement is set then both parties have to commit. One person cannot provoke the other, and the other person cannot give in. That’s just how it should work. But people make mistakes and its okay. Boundaries and limits are some things that should be seriously committed to by a person. I fucked up yesterday and I regret what I did. That being said, I hope the other person and I will go back to being carefree friends again sometime soon. Also, the other people I affected yesterday, I hope they forgive me.
Sometimes the worse possible choice becomes the better decision. I don’t know how that works, but it did for me. Something I never thought I’d do, I did and it somehow saved our friendship. Everything was so unexpected, but thank god we chill now.
Here’s the thing. I hate fucking with feelings especially when it comes to the people I truly care about. But there are times where you just have to say, ” fuck it, you’re lonely and I am lonely, why don’t we just give it a try and see where it goes.” Like, yeah I know it sounds so shitty to say something like that, but if both parties understand it should be fine. I mean, the last thing I want is to ruin something that is already special, but sometimes you gotta take risks. I mean, if there is the slightest chance that something might happen. Or maybe I was just too drunk and wasn’t thinking straight. Both if the other person knows how you feel and you are straight forward about it, at least it won’t end too badly. I dunno where this will go as I can’t tell the future but hopefully by the end, there won’t be any bad blood.
Friendships are really fucking weird. They provide love and support and yet it is totally okay if they make fun of you for saying “fivety-five” in the morning because your brain couldn’t function. But to be completely honest, if they never make fun of me then who will? They are my ride or dies and I am planning to keep it that way forever.
Counting down to the day where I may or may not lose someone close because of what I’m planning to say to that person. It may or may not break our bond and friendship, but I’m not going to beat around the bush. I am a straightforward person, and I hate cutting corners, but I also cannot stand hurting people. Hopefully that person will forgive me for what I am about to say…