I feel so weighted down from everything. My chest, my mind, my body, my heart, my legs…everything feels so heavy. The hardest part is pretending to be okay. Having a mask on but in reality, I am just dragging along this “heaviness” with me everywhere I go.
I have been having really detailed dreams lately. They seem to be surrounding a lot of negativity in my life, but not exactly portrayed negatively in my dreams. Some has been about closure with some of the past people in my life. I would wake up feeling either really upset or really…light? I don’t know how to describe the feeling but its like a shitload of anger has been lifted off. The pain may still be there, but I feel more light. I still wake up upset because some memories cause me to travel back to the past…but that’s okay.
I cared way too much to realize that you stopped caring a long time ago.
One of the biggest turn offs from guys is when I ask them what they plan to do for the future and they say “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it.” I understand if you aren’t sure what career you want to choose but if you haven’t even thought about it…what are you doing with your life? You do not have to have a specific career to aim for yet but come on, get some options open. A girlfriend is one thing, a caretaker is another. I don’t want to be providing for you because I’m the only one earning the money. It is okay to be unsure about your future, but you got to make an effort to try. If you cant put effort into finding a future then I don’t want to be apart of that future with you. Simple.
No matter what anyone goes through, your friends are not people you should rely on when it comes to internal issues. I know it is good to depend on people but you must know how to depend on yourself first before anything else. They aren’t there to cure and fix you. Their role as a friend is to give you the support you need to fix yourself. They are there to give you emotional support and motivation, that extra push. But, the only way you can fix youself is by yourself. Anything outside of that is just temporary. Professional help is defintely more beneficial in terms of fixing, but they can only carry you so far. Love yourself first before you count on others to love you because people will come and go. If you count on others to love you andthey leave, you are going to feel lost. Love yourself and fix yourself.
I finally grew some balls and walked into a counselling centre at my university. I knew I had to fill out some papers out but I didn’t think it would impact me so greatly. Checking out the boxes that “applied” was probably the biggest wake up call I’ve ever gotten. I filled out almost all the boxes unknowingly and it hurts me to realize this till now. My friends were right, I should’ve gotten help earlier. There was a specific box that indicated whether my case was an emergency situation or not. That box made me think for a good 5 min before I checked one of the options. It was a scary experience, but at least its a step forward.
I really want to see you. I was this close to heading out my door but it’s late and I promised myself I wouldn’t do crazy things for guys I can’t fully trust yet. It is also booty call hour so probably not a good idea. Plus, I dont got makeup on and I’m in my pjs…