Somehow after such a horrible day, talking to you always brightens me up. I went to work feeling a bit groggy and tired. Although it was only a 5hr shift, I felt mentally drained. I got in trouble for a mistake that could’ve been avoided if I had just paid attention. Then, I was told I couldn’t get a ride home so I had to bus. Which normally would be completely fine but I had less than 1hr to bus home and head to taekwondo to coach. I couldn’t find time to eat my lunch that I should’ve eaten before work. So, in total, I basically haven’t eaten anything in 24hrs. I was also half an hour late so the stress got to me pretty bad. But somehow, you were there helping me with my anxiety. You knew exactly what to say to calm me down and I eventually felt okay.
So I’ve read about pheromone attraction briefly before and it amazes me how the scent of someone could draw you in to them. Weirdly enough, I do understand the concept because I love the scent of my boyfriend. Each person as their own individual pheromone scent. However, some people’s pheromone may not be so pleasant to others, therefore drawing them away. For example, there are people in this world who smells like shit. Like they haven’t showered in years, and it makes you think, “hm maybe they just dirty or something” NAH. They could shower 500x a day and still smell like dog farts. some are so strong, they could walk past you be like HOLY FUUUuuuuu NO OMG YOU STANK. But someone’s stank-ness could be another’s pheromone attraction…uhh that made more “scent” in my head. Oops.
Usually around this time when I am awake and can’t sleep due to my crazy sleep schedule, my thoughts run wild. More precisely, they turn dark. However, for the past few months since I’ve felt happier, my 3am dark thoughts converted to hopeful thoughts. I think about what my future will look like. Ever since I met someone who truly made me feel special and loved, my mentality automatically became brighter. He gives me a purpose to continue doing what I love. I don’t live for him, but he showed me how to live for myself.
After finally finding someone who treats you for who you are, you can’t help but think maybe you don’t deserve it. All the rumors and negativity you have received from others, believing that to be the truth becomes inevitable. Maybe he is to good for me then. But, he reassured me constantly, telling me that he sees who I really am. For the longest time, I have been searching for someone to see past my tough interior, the cold me. I finally have someone who loves the tough and soft side of me. The soft side that nobody gets to see because they don’t try to get to understand me. The soft side that I am too afraid to show because of the judgment of a weak interior. He is good. He balances me. I’ve been too afraid to love anybody until now.
I love it when you sleep talk because you say the most adorable things. You don’t remember anything you say so you freak out when you hear my reply to you. You always think you said something stupid but in reality, you say so many cute things that I cannot help but react. Statements like ” I want to go camping with you so we can stare at the stars until we fall asleep.” I know, that was oddly specific but it was a real quote. But seriously, who doesn’t gush when they hear their boyfriends say something like that.
I’m sorry, but people who disregard their friendships with others once they start dating are such assholes, because lets be honest, anytime y’all have a fight or break up who are you gonna run to? Us. I’m not even saying this because I am a salty single, I am in a relationship myself. I just don’t understand people who were once close with their friends and then suddenly don’t have time to even grab coffee with them once they start dating. Like, I get it, you love the person and you want to spend time with them, but how can you just push others away like that? I am in a relationship and yet you don’t see me pushing people away because I want to spend every second with my boyfriend. In fact, I am in a long distance relationship. If I wanted to, I would just stay home and call him 24/7. Because I am in a long distance relationship, I probably need to spend more time talking to him than any other normal relationship. However, I am not an asshole. At this point, I don’t even ask you to hang anymore. There isn’t a point in asking you when I already know the answer, I have been turned down enough times. What pisses me off the most is when the significant other goes on vacation and that’s when you decide to hit us up…um ok, I didn’t realize that we were only needed when you felt lonely, not when you just genuinely want to hang with us. It is okay to put your significant others first, I get that, but don’t push away your day 1s like they are your day 10s is what I am saying.
I haven’t been posting in weeks, really sorry. I have been so busy being in this new relationship that everything around me felt less important. Obviously I am still at the honeymoon stage but damn, he makes me feel so happy. Even though it is long distance, the four days he spent here felt so memorable. Sending him off to the airport was probably the hardest thing. I wanted to watch him leave but I had to turn around and cry because I didn’t want him to watch me cry. I feel like I finally found someone who truly puts me first and loves me for who I am. He never once tried to change me. I have never been treated this way before so this feeling is super foreign to me. I’m looking forward to more trips with him 💕